I've been binging for the past... well, the past 10 years I suppose, if you want to get technical about it. But the last week has been pretty hardcore. I'd gotten myself into such a state of hateful apathy that I didn't even care that much about the calories - I cared more about the MONEY. My mentality is that if I'm going to eat crap, it may as well be the best "quality" crap, and so I buy the $11 1-litre tub of ice cream instead of the $4 2-litre tub.
I guess the upside is that I consume half as much ice cream as I would have. The downside is that, when combined with whatever savoury food I choose to go WITH my disgusting habit, in the past couple of days I've spent $15-$20 each day purely on binge food. Literally flushing my money down the toilet. Classy, E, real classy.
One thing I've learned about myself on my sick journey of ~self-discovery~, or whatever, is that in order to make any significant change in my life, I need a REAL, TANGIBLE goal. One that's even better than food at satisfying my addiction to instant gratification. Unfortunately, such ideas are hard to come by, and "I want to be thin" isn't always enough (obviously, or I would be thin).
Well, today after I got home from the gym I found myself in even more of a mess than usual. I'd chosen the elliptical closest to the window (which I usually don't, because the morning sun makes it almost unbearable glare- and heat-wise), which also happens to be directly in front of the TV on the Sky (wasn't it once Skyy? Or, wait, I think that's the vodka? Wow, I'm disgusting/fabulous) News channel. I'm always listening to my iPod so I usually browse all eight TV screens without focussing on one in particular, but the angle I was at made it uncomfortable to really look at anything other than Sky.
Naturally, the only thing covered for the duration of my workout was the Queensland floods. Terrible person that I am, I'd been keeping myself "informed" with the news of this disaster to the bare minimum (enough to placate my ego by convincing myself that I'm not completely ignorant re: current affairs). I'd like to add here that I didn't want to know all of the details because I'd be too ~affected~ by them. But that would be a lie. The Sky coverage wasn't enough to tug significantly on my heartstrings, but I suppose I went home more interested than before.
I got home, opened my email, and got my NY Times update, which ACTUALLY included a piece on the floods (I was shocked, I don't think I've ever seen them cover anything in/connected with/even remotely relating to Australia). Since it was the NYT, and therefore "worthy" of my time, I clicked over to the article. I got about half a paragraph in before I noticed the number of comments and decided to just read them instead.
I spent the next two hours bawling my fucking eyes out.
I won't pretend that it was all for them. Some of it - probably a big part of it - maybe even all of it - was for me. Complete with my usual fantasies and everything. I really suck
When my lips started cracking, I realised I needed to find a way to stop crying. Was there a way I could make this situation even MORE about myself? How can I make myself feel better and still sate my own selfishness? Hmm...
I got out my credit card and donated the money I would have spent on today's binge to the Disaster Relief Fund. I guess that means I can't binge today. I guess that means I won't hate myself in the morning (or, at least, there'll be a little less hatred).
Surely the disaster will continue tomorrow. I can donate my food money AGAIN.
And the next day.
And the next day.
And the next day.
Anything that will keep my complexion perfect AND keep calories out of my fat gut has to be a good idea.
Oh, and it's all for a good cause.
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